FRANK RELATIONSHIPS TRANSCRIPT: FEMININE SEXUALITY W/ LA TONIA TAYLOR
Guests: La Tonia Taylor
Date: July 29, 2013
Frank: Women, are you in a slump? Do you feel unmotivated or uninspired? Do you want to bring sexy back? Well, help is on the way. It’s not superman, but dynamic coach, healer, change agent and owner of Rebirth International.
Get in a quiet place and listen as she discusses rediscovering womanhood and bringing back personal power on this addition of Frank Relationships.
Welcome to Frank Relationships where we provide a candid, fresh and frank look into relationships with goals of acceptance, respect and flexibility. I’m Frank Love and you can find me, my blog and my various social media incarnations at franklove.com.
Make sure you check out the Frank love Facebook page to find out who will be airing. We post the guest that will be on our show for the forthcoming Thursday every Monday. The easiest way to find it is to go directly to franklove.com and link to it from there. Leave questions or comments for me and my guest. We’ll answer them on the air.
You can also tweet us @mrfranklove or you can, of course call in the studio between 8:30 A.M. and 9:30 A.M. every Thursday morning. We record at that time every week. Once again, I’m joined by my co-host Dr. Gayl. She’s a member of the illustrious Delta Sigma Theta sorority and she’s been partying all week celebrating their sentential. Maybe she’s tired now and isn’t going to give me a hard time today. What’s up *(inaudible) 02:28, Dr. Gayl?
Dr. Gayl: Never tired, Frank. Did you miss me?
Frank: I missed you, of course.
Dr. Gayl: Of course. I missed you, too.
Dr. Gayl: I was going to let the menstruation pass, but then you had the PSY.D. You really missed me, didn’t you?Frank: Some of my lady listeners may be feeling the slump down in the dumps, mad at the world, gossiping with their girls. Present company excluded. They may be irritated, menstruated, man haters, poor daters and PSY.D. graduators.
Frank: If you’re bitter or sad, exuberant or glad or just plain ol’ mad, today’s guest has just the team that will help you increase your feminine beam with sexuality, individuality with a wee bit of practicality. She is a La Tonia Taylor, love and warm and if you can benefit, she wants you to be coached, be lifted and emerged transformed. Welcome to the show.
La Tonia: Thank you. So happy to be here.
Dr. Gayl: Are you ready?
La Tonia: I’m so ready.
Frank: Women and sex. I don’t know anything about either one of them. I’ve got a crazy wife, a crazy co-host, a crazy set of three daughters; the same number of crazy sisters and a crazy mother. What’s a brother to do?
La Tonia: You want to know what to do with the craziness?
Frank: Help me out.
La Tonia: Make sure that their cup is full so that they can give to you from the overflow.
Dr. Gayl: So, now he’s going to ask you what does that mean.
Frank: What does that cup need to be full of?
La Tonia: It depends on the woman’s role in your life. Where do we want to start? We want to start with the wife?
Frank: Sure. I probably need the most help with the co-host but we’ll start with the wife.
Dr. Gayl: You only see me once a week. You better start with that wife.
Frank: That really says something. I need the most help with you and I only see you once a week.
La Tonia: They say when mama’s not happy, nobody’s happy.
Frank: I’ve heard that. I’m not particularly fond of the statement.
La Tonia: Tell me why though.
Frank: It’s not true. If I’m not happy, it could be just as true. I want to be happy. Somebody make me happy.
La Tonia: So, the woman is actually the feminine anchor in the home and she really does set the tone for how the energy flows. And particularly, if you have all of that estrogen and feminine energy in the house, you might have to yield or you’ll be in constant competition.
Frank: But isn’t feminine energy noncompetitive? I can hear myself answering that question as I’m asking it, because I do know that–
Dr. Gayl: That’s your loaded question like you tell me.
Frank: I admit it. I can see where there’s a constant Yin and Yang and back and forth going on between men and women. Yet, I can also see the feminine is the keeper of the soft. It’s the soft energy.
La Tonia: Perhaps. It just really does depend on who embodies the Yin, who embodies the Yang, because you know I’m going to go to universal law all the time. Universal law is not partial to gender. So, a man can easily be married to or be with a woman who’s very Yang.
Frank: Yang being masculine?
La Tonia: The masculine, the hot, the moving energy, the direct energy. And Yin is oftentimes is a sign to women, because of their gender, but not necessarily every woman is a Yin woman. Now, some of the science of feminine energy is being able to know when to be Yin and when to be Yang.
Dr. Gayl: How difficult is that for women?
La Tonia: Oh, my goodness.
Frank: And she’s really asking this question? Dr. Gayl?
Dr. Gayl: I’m just asking for the listeners.
La Tonia: It depends on who they saw in front of them growing up. Usually, we always start with our childhood. Who was our role model for womanhood? And then, as we matriculate through our lives, we learn how to behave in the world. And depending on–I would even say your demographics where you live, what’s required for you to compete or exist in your world. So, women do have to learn how to turn it off.
Frank: Do men have to learn how to turn it on?
La Tonia: Yes.
Dr. Gayl: Yes, definitely.
La Tonia: That’s very perceptive.
Dr. Gayl: Well, I’m just going to speak [for him] 07:38 please.
La Tonia: Yeah, dominant.
Dr. Gayl: Men that don’t know how to turn it on, can you speak about that?
La Tonia: Turn which one on?
Dr. Gayl: How to turn on their dominance or their Yang, should I speak.
La Tonia: Okay, so I don’t do a whole lot of coaching of men how to be men, but I do coach men how to love women. And I would say that there are a lot of men who are in the same position. And we assume and assign roles to men that we want them to take on because of our brainwashing. And the men do the same thing to us without us really doing a deeper inquiry of who do we have in the room.
And maybe they don’t know how to show up and be dominant. Not every man needs to be dominant, because when we start to talk about sexuality, usually when we talk about Tantra and orgasm and that type of thing, it is when the man is more Yin in the sexual relationship that you get more from the experience. So, both of us have to learn how and when to use our hot and our cool energy.
Frank: Break it down. Talk to me about Tantra. I don’t even know.
La Tonia: You’re ready to go there already?
Frank: Let’s go there.
Dr. Gayl: We’ve only got an hour. We’ve got to get it all in.
La Tonia: I would say that I am a growing Tantrica, not an expert by any imagination. But I study Tantra, because of the sacredness of the sexual experience beyond just the little girl and little boy orgasms that we know about. And it’s really to be able to take your sexual experience to another level for manifestation, for healing and for growth.
Frank: Okay. And how does the male become more of the Yin? And is there a way for me to remember which one is the Yin and Yang in the future.
La Tonia: No, because that’s an intellectual experience. And so, a lot of this requires giving up the need to be right, the need to be perfect, surrendering the ideas of who plays what role and literally being present. And so, when you talk about the sexual experience, when you bring intention and presence and breath, you began a Tantric experience without having to do all of this performance.
Who needs to do more performance? Just like you were asking me earlier, we perform so much in our lives and we’re always measuring where we are on the line. We bring that into our sexual experience. And most men, for instance, in the sexual experience get their teaching from pornography.
La Tonia: Yes.
Frank: What about women?
Dr. Gayl: Which is completely false.
Frank: Women watch porn too.
La Tonia: Oh, yeah. We watch porn.
Frank: So, what do they learn? Are they learning?
La Tonia: And women compare themselves to people who are actors, not knowing that they have prompts. It’s just like WWF when you watch porn. And so when your instruction comes basically from pornography, then sometimes the vibration is at the level of sexual violence and not sacredness. And so, when you listen to the lyrics of the song and you want to bang it up and all the different things? I’m so far removed from some that beat it up, all those different things.
Frank: Dr. Gayl’s removed from that too.
La Tonia: No, the language.
Dr. Gayl: Just a higher sense of sexuality. That’s all, Frank.
La Tonia: But if you bring that energy all the time, you’re going to wear yourself out. And so, Tantra allows for a man to be able to use his breath to control his experience and to have a longer experience. For men, it’s very key to know the difference between ejaculation and orgasm, because many men think that ejaculation is an orgasm and they’re not the same.
Frank: What’s the difference?
La Tonia: One is just basically like blowing your nose. You’re relieving yourself. It may feel good to you and it’s a release, but an orgasm is an experience that you can have separate of releasing any bodily fluids. And so, the Tantric man or the man w
ho studies sexual Kong Foo, he is the one who knows how to use breath to expand the orgasm in other areas of his body and hold his ejaculation for a longer period of time.
Dr. Gayl: And that also requires a higher level of intimacy, right?
La Tonia: A higher level of intimacy. And when the man is practicing at that level, it makes the woman’s orgasm more accessible, because he’s able to go longer. It takes 20 minutes for us even to get warmed. Some guys, 20 minutes…
Dr. Gayl: That’s it. You’re done, Frank.
La Tonia: And that’s why, the distinction for women who are listening is to be able to shift the mindset that sex is for the man and any man that thinks sex is only for him, because women have deep sexual, ravishing appetites. That’s really the truth.
Frank: That is the truth.
Dr. Gayl: That is the truth.
La Tonia: And when she’s turned on, she wants it all of the time.
Frank: That’s real.
Dr. Gayl: That is real. I agree with you.
La Tonia: But it’s easy to turn a woman off, because we’re emotional creatures.
Frank: It’s easy to turn her off? I’m not sure about that.
Dr. Gayl: No, it is easy. It’s easy to turn a woman off.
Frank: A woman wants sex. Period.
La Tonia: No, we want intimacy.
Dr. Gayl: You took the words out of my mouth. We want intimacy.
La Tonia: And check out the word, “Into me I see.” So we want a man to be able to see us, all of us and that alone is a turn on.
Frank: I agree.
La Tonia: And so, you know how when you’re married–I’ve been married. I know how it is–you get into function. And you have three kids?
La Tonia: So you’re trying to take care of the responsibilities. It’s easy not to witness each other and to be present with each other and to get into the function of being married, whatever that is, whatever that assignment is.
Frank: Yet, women want sex. Now, I agree women do want intimacy.
Dr. Gayl: You’re being such a man right now.
Frank: Intimacy is a part of a good sexual experience in my experience.
Dr. Gayl: But you can only speak from a point of view and a man’s experience. Yes, women want sex, but at the end of the day, sex just being sex, you can keep it. We want the intimacy along with the sexual act.
Frank: Yes, so you want sex and you want intimacy to go with that sex. Intimacy increases the pleasure of the sex. And I’ve got to tell you, it’s the same for men. Men, as much as women may want to think that men just want to–as you said, beat it up or just come and things of that nature, that’s not really true across the board.
Now, at some phase in life, I believe that to be the case. But as you get older and more seasoned, you like the intimacy that comes with it. It’s a big deal. Talking, enjoying, laughing and that sort of thing and actively attempting to please your partner and knowing she’s happy–
La Tonia: I agree.
Frank: That’s real.
La Tonia: I totally agree.
Frank: So, it’s not just women that appreciate intimacy and sex or intimacy in sex, men, myself–I’m the one that I know the best–it’s also the case with us.
La Tonia: I think what you’re touching on now is what I specialize in, which is a lot of women operate in shame and guilt around their sexual nature. In America, we’ve been so indoctrinated with so much dogma, so many beliefs about your sexual being and our sexual nature from childhood. That’s one of the things that my seven week program goes into is to begin to look at how we have defined ourselves as a woman and what models do we have. What did we hear about ourselves that created that shame?
After you begin to get indoctrinated before you’re even six or seven, then you begin to have experiences on top of that.
Dr. Gayl: Can you speak about that, a little bit, because in my psychology world, we always talk about shame and guilt and how they are such useless emotions. With regard to sex and intimacy, can you speak about that of how that is a barrier?
La Tonia: It’s a huge barrier. It’s a barrier to orgasm. It’s a barrier to authenticity. And a lot of times that’s the battle and the competition, I think that the direction you were going about men want intimacy too. And women oftentimes think that they have to be someone else or “If I do this, then it’s going to mean something else,” because their definitions came along the way, usually from the church, particularly in American where Christianity is the most dominant religion. That’s not an attack on Christianity at all, but it is what it is.
And we really inherit our definitions about who we are. I know because I was that one. I was a good girl. I was the good girl. I’m a recovering Catholic. I grew up hearing, “Keep your legs closed. Girl, you better keep your legs closed. Men don’t want to buy the–” what is it?
Frank: Milk if they can get the cow–something.
Dr. Gayl: If they can get the cow for free.
La Tonia: Yeah, that one. All of those messages begin to become layered and layered and layered. And then, on top of that, then we get older and we’re told that we should be virgins when we marry or that you shouldn’t have sex before marriage. And so, what you create are people who want legalize sex through marriage. And that’s why you have these marriages that are inauthentic, because you end up relationships because you really want to have sex.
Dr. Gayl: Just want to have sex.
La Tonia: You want to be okay with your expression and then here you’re with someone–
Dr. Gayl: And then you there and you’re like, “What in the hell?”
La Tonia: Right, exactly.
Frank: Dr. Gayl, I wanted to say, is that what happened?
La Tonia: I can tell you it happened to me. It happened to me.
Frank: Thank you for taking the heat off my co-host.
Dr. Gayl: Take that heat, because Frank will put it on me.
La Tonia: I consider myself the one who’s experienced the world religions because I’ve walked through them. I practiced Islam and I didn’t have sex with my husband until we were married.
Frank: Did you get married the day after you met him?
La Tonia: No, I didn’t. But I only dated him for about a couple of months. I got lucky though. However, someone in my family–I won’t say who–was like, “Girl, you waited? How do you know you’re going to like?” But in my mind–
Dr. Gayl: But weren’t you surprised when that person said that?
La Tonia: Yes, because that is the duel and conflicting message that we really talk about at the kitchen table. But then we have to show up around the church be different or the mass people and be different or the shrine. Hey, we can just list them off, check them off.
Dr. Gayl: And those are the layers that you spoke of, of how you create those images or the ideal of what I’m supposed to be and what it’s supposed to be and they’re very conflicting.
La Tonia: Not only that, I thought that I needed to please God. I wanted God to be pleased with me. And so, if I followed the rules, then God would be pleased with me, God would bless my marriage and the rest is just a honeymoon from there.
Dr. Gayl: And then you get there and then you’re like–
La Tonia: So we want insurance policies. “If I do this, then I get this.”
Dr. Gayl: And God doesn’t operate that way. And then, that’s where the guilt and the shame come in, because you’re like, “Well, I did this for God and then it didn’t happen right. And then, I got out of it for whatever reason,” and then, “I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t.”
La Tonia: So we begin to have the rub the genie type mentality, when we start to talk about God and spirituality. “If I do this–” and we bring the same thing into our sexuality.
Dr. Gayl: If I do this for him, then he’ll love me this type of way. I think that’s what happens when you enter into relationships too quickly with sex. “I gave him myself, then why doesn’t he do this for me,” or “Why doesn’t he love me the way I want him to?”
Frank: Only if you have that perspective where you think you need to get him to do something or act a certain way if you have sex with him. Everybody doesn’t have that way of looking at it.
Dr. Gayl: Right. Exactly, but what we were just conversing about is how that mindset is created.
Frank: Intention. How do you set an intention when you’re about to have sex or while you’re having sex?
La Tonia: One of the things is if you have someone that you are deeply connected to and passionate about and you–for instance, let’s say you want to manifest something.
Frank: Like what?
La Tonia: You’re a man with a lot of goals. Why don’t you just pick something out of the sky?
Frank: How would it translate to the sexual experience?
La Tonia: Literally, I’m trained by Inyanla Vanzant and so one of the things that we were taught at the Inner Visions Institute is always use expressions. So, “it is my heartfelt intention” or “it is my deepest intention.
Dr. Gayl: You sound just like her.
La Tonia: Oh, do I? I am my mother’s child. So, “It is my heartfelt intention,” or “It is my deepest intention to…” and whatever that intention is. It could just be to be present. It could be to be a vehicle for or catalyst for. So you get to play with it.
So many people aren’t setting intentions. Your really can’t go wrong. It’s a win-win. And then, when you enter into the experience, the woman, your womb is such–see many of us have been taught that our womb is only meant to hold babies or to be some vessel for pleasure. But our womb is constantly giving birth.
Frank: It seems like a lot of sister’s womb is for storing food.
Dr. Gayl: Stop. Did you really?
Frank: I had to say something.
La Tonia: You speaking for the men out there? That’s how ya’ll really talk in the barbershop, right?
Dr. Gayl: She was on a deep path right there and you just came in and like–
Frank: I could feel Jeff’s energy from the other–my man on the board, he was projecting it over here. I had to share.
Dr. Gayl: That’s your energy projecting onto Jeff.
La Tonia: And some of that is padding to hide sexual shame, molestation and covering over pain. And so, when a woman begins to hold and store specifically where her genital area is covered, usually it’s the first sign as a coach. That’s the first thing I look at is your body–a natural path will do the same thing.
Dr. Gayl: Another barrier.
La Tonia: Another barrier. And it’s another way to hide “that you won’t see me.”
Dr. Gayl: And it’s also a self-fulfilling prophecy too.
La Tonia: Absolutely.
Dr. Gayl: Or it can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. “I’ll look this type of way or I’ll have this weight on me or whatever, around here, so he doesn’t want me or he won’t want me.”
La Tonia: It’s very, very covert, very subconscious; the weight gain is a covering. It’s a way to find pleasure, so I find it through my mouth, because I’m not finding it in my life. A lot of women who indulge in sweet, sweet, sweet, it’s because the sweetness is missing from your life.
And when I talk about pleasure, I’m not just talking about sex. And that’s the distinction that I make for women, particularly Christian women. Many women who have been indoctrinated with religion, they hear the word pleasure and equate it immediately with intercourse.
Dr. Gayl: I have a mentor that says that the unconscious always tells what we really think about.
La Tonia: Uh-huh.
Dr. Gayl: And what you really want to say out of your mouth, but for whatever reason you don’t. So, for Christian women to immediately go to intimacy and sexual pleasure when you do say pleasure, in actuality that’s what we want to talk about. I say “we,” because I’m a Christian.
La Tonia: And sensuality, that’s automatically equated with pleasure. And you can absolutely be a pleasured woman, a sensual woman and be celibate.
Frank: You’re listening to Frank Relationships. We’re talking with the owner of Rebirth International, La Tonia Taylor; life and love coach, facilitator and minister, about her seven week program that helps women rediscover their womanhood in areas of life to bring back personal power. Please tell our listeners how they can find out more about your work.
La Tonia: They can go to rebirthinternational.net. I’m also on Facebook at Facebook.com/RebirthbyLaToniaTaylor. I have a fan page there.
Frank: Tell us about Rebirth International. Break it down for us.
La Tonia: My tagline is “I turn blind spots into breakthroughs.” And I do that by building people and programs. So, I do coaching, but I also do consulting for organizations. I’m not just talking about sensuality and sexuality all day.
Frank: Although there are sensuality and sexuality issues, even in the workplace. Deep, deep in the workplace between co-workers, superiors, all that good stuff. I asked you a question, please continue.
La Tonia: I build new programs and new people and what’s common there–
Frank: There might even be sexual stuff going on in the radio show room.
Dr. Gayl: It might be unconscious that you are not aware that’s your attention to project onto me.
Frank: I didn’t say nothing about you.
La Tonia: Freudian, huh? This is a Freudian moment right here.
Frank: She just can’t surrender. Will you let her answer the question. Stop interrupting.
La Tonia: I think we’re having a Gestalt moment, Freudian moment here.
Frank: Yes. Whatever that is.
La Tonia: That was for the doctor.
Dr. Gayl: Yeah, I got you. Sometimes I just let it flow and I learn to ignore him, which is what your poor wife probably does at him. Your real wife.
Frank: My other wife. I’ve got a radio wife and when-I’m-not-at-the-radio wife. Okay, continue.
La Tonia: I build programs and people and how I do it with people is through individual and group coaching and workshops and training and facilitation. And I do very similar with organizations where I focus on their vision. I do vision creating, vision manifestation.
Organizations talk about building their mission, building their team, building their strategy. I do the exact same thing with people in individual coaching. It’s building strategy around your life in eight areas of your life. And for women, I always weave in the juicy part. The name of my seven week program is Juicy Spirit. And my premium individual coach is Juicy Living. And this is for the women.
I do take on male clients but my approach with male clients is a lot more linear, because that’s what men tend to want. They want to be able to accomplish a goal. And so, I take all of that off the table and then I access the other side of my brain.
Frank: You mentioned Inyanla Vanzant. Tell me, how did you become RevCoach?
La Tonia: I started with my own journey. I was in the nation of Islam and I was married. I was a wife.
Dr. Gayl: How long were you married?
La Tonia: Nine years the first time. I’ll be authentic.
Dr. Gayl: What about the second time?
La Tonia: That doesn’t count. I’ll get to that story.
Dr. Gayl: Okay.
La Tonia: But I remember being a young woman married. I was a leader in the nation of Islam even then and I didn’t really have anyone to talk to or to go to. So, I was looking for a book. And I was really over–and I know you can get with this. I know you can understand this–that I was so tired of just reading about the Revolution. I needed something to feed me as a black woman. And that’s how I came to know Inyanla.
Someone else was reading her and said, “Hey, you should check this out.” And then, I started to travel and invest in my own personal development. I was reading everything that I could get my hands on and I began to teach the women the little nuggets that I got, because I’m a born teacher. And so, I flew into Maryland and began training. And I remember before Inyanla ever had Inner Visions Institute, I went to her and I said, “I really want to learn from you.”
Dr. Gayl: She’s based in Maryland, right?
La Tonia: She’s based in Maryland and I said, “Is there some way for me to understudy?” And she said, “Well, I don’t have anything yet, but I’ll keep you in mind.”
And I think everything she had, I flew into. I became a member of the community and as soon as she created Inner Visions, I was the inaugural class. A part of that is a two year coaching program. And the third year at that time–at that time, because now the ministerial part is two years, but I also went into the ministerial program as well.
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How old are the women in your group?
La Tonia: I would say that they range from the late 20′s well into mid-50′s.
Dr. Gayl: What group is more prominent? What age range?
La Tonia: More prominent would be–I would say mid-30′s to mid-40′s.
Dr. Gayl: What do you think the reason is for that?
La Tonia: I think that those women have been through some things on the timeline of their life. They’ve either been married, they have children, they’ve been working long enough to know whether they’re happy doing what they’re doing. Some women, they sense that something’s not quite right about the messages they received.
I tend to attract a lot of leading ladies. And what I mean by that is, women who are leaders in their field. A lot of the women are leaders in their spiritual community or they’re moving some type of program which ranges from doctors to other psychologists, other coaches. I’ve had a wide range of leading ladies. They’re always women who have to take care of other people most of the time in some way, shape, form or fashion.
Frank: Do they tend to be married or single?
La Tonia: In my first group of Juicy, I had more married women. In this group there are more single women. So I have been able to do a lot of the tracking before the group coaching. For the individual coaching, I would say about 80 percent of them are single. But for the group coaching it’s been quite a bit of women in relationships, actually. Even if they are single, not technically married, they have somebody.
Dr. Gayl: But that demographic does make sense to me because, as you stated–well I once read an article that people that are most okay with themselves is age 33, because you’ve finished school and you’ve started in your career. But at the same time, I think that’s it’s when, you have, like you stated gone through some life changes and you’ve experienced some stuff and you’re like, “What now? What do I do now? How do I move past this?” Or maybe I’ve moved past this but I still need some processing. And maybe people aren’t as open to going to therapy as they are with coaching.
La Tonia: And the two can work together. I will say it’s important to have a trained coach, because I know that my training at Inner Visions was stellar. And one of the things that we got was to be able to determine when we need to recommend that our client goes to therapy.
Dr. Gayl: So, because I am a Doctor of Psychology–
Frank: I’m going to leave the room and go down the hall.
Dr. Gayl: Go have some coffee. What is the distinction, because I have to be quite honest? I’ve been to school for all these years and therapy is a part of my profession. But then, when people have gone to training for coaching, then I get defensive and I’m like, “Well, what’s the difference? What do you guys offer that clinicians don’t?”
La Tonia: And that’s a very good question. The way that you all are trained, and my understanding is that you can stay in therapy for a number of years.
Dr. Gayl: Depending on what type of therapy you go to and their therapeutic background, yes.
La Tonia: Yes. And for coaches, we are usually goal focused and the goal is what guides the session. It’s meant to be temporary. We want you to not need us, to not come to us. The other thing is we don’t dive into deep trauma and processing through that and trying to be experts around that type of thing.
Dr. Gayl: So you guys just handle the immediate question? Is it surface or do you go deeper?
La Tonia: I use spiritual psychology and that’s the difference for what I’m trained, which includes healing methods and alternative modalities to support someone with total alternative methods. Now what I do know is that many schools are starting to incorporate and integrate a lot of the healing modalities into the processes, like breath, like imagery, like meditation. That was not always the case.
Frank: And so what are some of the modalities that you find yourself using?
La Tonia: Lots of breath, a lot of color, movement therapy; and when I say therapy, I absolutely only mean therapeutic just in that if you feel better.
La Tonia: Oh, yes. That’s so key for a woman. Dance moves that second chakra and gets that and unlocks the energy. Even when you’re moving that body, you move out of your mind. So a lot of women don’t move that area–especially again, if we go back to any indoctrination that you shouldn’t gyrate, pop it like it’s hot, all that good stuff. That’s exactly what we–
Frank: Dr. Gayl, don’t have that problem.
Dr. Gayl: Well since sentential is over–
La Tonia: It felt good thought, didn’t it?
Frank: She had a ball.
La Tonia: I was at a few parties.
Frank: Alright. We don’t want to get too far off into that.
Dr. Gayl: Keep it moving.
Frank: What’s your advice for women that are in a slump, that are unmotivated or uninspired, if there’s any generic simple advice? I’m sure there’s a lot you could say.
La Tonia: I would say for that woman to start with desire. Asking yourself, “What is it that I really, really want,” and write it down for a period of seven day or 14 days. But in increments of seven, 14, 21, go for it. And just ask that question, because the answer lives in the same room with the question all the time.
And that’s one of the premise that coaches use, of course, is we believe that the answer’s within. We’re not supplying the answers. We’re not giving the answers. A lot of people are calling themselves coaches, so I understand your defense, because I have a problem with a lot of the coaches; people calling themselves coaches with no type of discipline.
Dr. Gayl: And even with therapy. We are not fixers. When I used to do therapy a lot, I would say, “I don’t have a magic toolbox. I don’t have a magic wand. It’s me helping you, help yourself.”
Frank: You’re not talking about you being in therapy?
Dr. Gayl: No. When I would conduct therapy and I would have clients.
Frank: Oh, okay.
Dr. Gayl: So, although you would want to come to me, Frank, I can’t help you.
La Tonia: So here’s how we could work together, for instance. Like this is a perfect triumpha right here. So, let’s say a man has a wife–
Frank: Or two.
La Tonia: And he knows that she’s been raped or molested.
Dr. Gayl: Or three.
La Tonia: Official and unofficial. We could talk about that too.
Dr. Gayl: We have.
La Tonia: Let’s talk about it.
Dr. Gayl: We have in several previous shows.
La Tonia: No, I know. So, a perfect example, you have a man that discovers he’s in a relationship with a woman who’s not having an orgasm and she reveals to her significant other, husband, boyfriend, whatever, that she’s been raped or molested. He wants to support her.
You could hire someone like me. You can move them through the seven week program to reframe some of the beliefs. And I do dig in really deep using that spiritual psychology that I’ve been taught. But a therapist could help that person specifically around the rape, around healing the rape or the molestation or whatever the issue is. That’s how the two can work together. And there have been many therapists who work with coaches.
Dr. Gayl: I would certainly say to work together.
La Tonia: Oh, absolutely.
Dr. Gayl: Because I’ve actually participated in a coaching type program before and just me having a deeper understanding of the other side–the other side meaning being trained as a clinician, I do think that if you are going to participate in the coaching–which I think is good. I think it’s also good to have therapy, especially when you have those deeper rooted issues.
La Tonia: I have a therapist in my coaching group.
Dr. Gayl: Which is great. I think that’s awesome.
La Tonia: She’s Ph.D. and counseling women. She has several coaches. She has a coach for her business and she has a coach for this, because this is an area to play with.
Dr. Gayl: I think it’s awesome to go hand-to-hand.
Frank: Share a story of something you’ve helped a woman work through or whoever work through.
La Tonia: Oh, my goodness. I have so many stories from Juicy.
Dr. Gayl: Give us a juicy one.
Frank: There we go. I’m going to give Dr. Gayl a pound on that one. She’s in sync with me.
La Tonia: So, I also do an introduction for small groups of women just to Juicy called Pleasure Unplugged. I started doing it at a retreat called the Girl Talk Getaway. *(inaudible) 41:51 actually. And I use the basis of the five senses and how to use your senses and bring that into your spiritual life and into your sensual sexual life. And I didn’t know I was doing this but–and listen, when I do coach, when that minister part of me comes out, that Baptist thing comes out because I’ve served in the–
Frank: A recovering Catholic with some Baptist–
La Tonia: Yeah man, listen.
Dr. Gayl: And Muslim.
La Tonia: Listen, yes. Who better than someone’s who’s walked it out, right? I’m not just coming to you with theory and all this stuff.
Dr. Gayl: One-sided *(inaudible) 42:34.
La Tonia: I know the first thing they say is, “Jesus can’t do it. Buddha can’t do it.” I know that’s what they do, right? That’s what they say, right? “Mohammed can’t do it.” But for some people it does. But anyway. Okay, I digress.
Frank: Let her tell the story, Dr. Gayl. Stop interrupting.
Dr. Gayl: I’m just sitting here.
La Tonia: So the wife went home. She was married and she realized that she was still dealing with some of that shame. And I can’t even remember what I said about the history of women in the Bible and really unlocking the whole idea of Eve being a temptress and the woman being wrong and all that stuff.
Frank: You don’t remember what you said, but it was deep.
La Tonia: Apparently.
Frank: You knocked it out the park.
La Tonia: You just want the juicy part, right? You want me to fast forward, right?
Frank: Yeah, I mean bring it home. Let me hear it.
La Tonia: So she says she goes home and she hadn’t seen her husband in a little while. And she had been kind of shy about initiating, about being present with it. Just feeling some kind of way about hers sexuality. And she said she used her senses. This is the part that really gets exciting. She had the music going. She had the sense and she was smelling good and she was dripping with all kinds of sweet stuff and she began to just look into her husbands eyes and the lovemaking experience–she didn’t tell him that she had attended the Unplugged session. But he said, “There’s something different about you. You gave me yourself in a way–”
Dr. Gayl: She was vulnerable.
Frank: It wasn’t the whip cream?
La Tonia: No.
Dr. Gayl: It was not the whip cream.
La Tonia: It may have been all of it, because you want to turn all of your senses. You want to activate all of them. Your eyes, your ears, your mouth. I mean all of it. Your touch. So, that’s one of them.
And then, recently I’m into the second week. I just released the second module for this round of Juicy. And I have a client who has had about seven major illnesses, including cancer. She began to do the first week of Juicy–and I’m sure that she would love to tell you herself. And she said, “I see the root of all of my illnesses.” Blow me over with a feather. Now see that might not be juicy to you, but when a woman begins to see, “My body is speaking for me, because I lost my voice, because I wasn’t speaking, beecause I really have an issue that I buried.” Then she said, “I remember when I was Juicy. I lost myself along the way.”
Frank: I’m going to ask a half serious, half joking question. But was she just simply crazy?
Dr. Gayl: Oh, my gosh.
La Tonia: Define crazy.
Frank: Alright. Yeah, that’s the answer.
La Tonia: Oh, no it’s not. She’ll be listening to this show.
Frank: Okay, so.
Dr. Gayl: So, she’s going to come after you.
Frank: Yeah, I might have some–
Dr. Gayl: For calling her crazy.
Frank: I didn’t call her crazy. I just said was that what she–well, I didn’t say that, but I meant.
La Tonia: Let me just say, the views stated on this show are not the views of the RevCoach.
Dr. Gayl: Or Dr. Gayl.
Frank: Okay, tell me about wet vagina. There’s something special about it. I’m talking about there’s a difference between a vagina a little wet and that will let penis in and a vagina is–
Dr. Gayl: Juicy.
Frank: Drippy. Yes, that’s juicy.
La Tonia: And that’s what ends up happening with a lot of the *(inaudible) 46:25.
Dr. Gayl: Jeff’s just got out his pen and pad.
Frank: He’s usually the silent man in the room but he came alive.
Dr. Gayl: So he could take it home to his wife.
La Tonia: Let’s start with that word vagina. The first thing that we talk about in Juicy Spirit is yes you have a vagina, but that is not the proper name for the woman’s anatomy.
Frank: What is the “p” word?
La Tonia: No darling.
Dr. Gayl: No. Why would the “p” word be the proper–
Frank: I’m jus asking. There are people listening that thought about it. So, I’m just, I’m really channeling.
Dr. Gayl: No they did not.
La Tonia: I’m really loving how–I want the suspense. I know this is a show, but if we were in a workshop, I would work with this whole idea. I would work with the new women. What do you call it? What have you been taught to call it?
Dr. Gayl: I hate the “p” word.
La Tonia: What were you taught to call it, Dr. Gayl?
Dr. Gayl: Vagina.
La Tonia: That was the proper name, but was there any colloquial names?
La Tonia: Pee pot. Down there. Some people don’t call it all.
La Tonia: And so she gets ignored. Coochie.
Dr. Gayl: What other words you got, Frank?
La Tonia: You know them. You know them.
Frank: Yeah, you know them. I heard you say them.
La Tonia: But a woman has a vulva. The vulva is the system. We have a whole anatomy that we ignore. And that’s the first level of awareness both for the man and for the woman, because when you understand that there’s a system, then you have access to her juices, because the way to be able to get her juicy is to know her anatomy. And many men don’t know the anatomy. They only go for the vaginal opening that they know as the vagina. And so, usually if we want to get real graphic. I see you like to kick like that.
Dr. Gayl: He likes to kick it like that.
La Tonia: You want to stick a finger or tongue in there. And many men may not even want to do that. They just want to stick it in and a woman needs at least 20 minutes of stimulation, but not just around her vagina or vaginal opening. We are full of muscles that when you massage those muscles. You can talk to that anatomy and you begin to stimulate those juices and they don’t stop. And the more you do that and you build that relationship.
Dr. Gayl: Frank said, “Uh-huh.”
Frank: That’s real.
La Tonia: So it’s hand, it’s tongue, it’s mouth, it’s breath, it’s play. It’s all types of stimulation to get those juices flowing. And some of us are like a river and some of us are like a water fall and some of us are–what would be an analogy for squirting and [unreta] sp 49:32 and that type of thing?
Dr. Gayl: That’s the part Frank don’t like, squirting.
Frank: You know, I’m cool. As long as she’s having fun. If she’s expressing the–
Dr. Gayl: Well, you can’t have fun with a squirt.
Frank: Yes, you can. That means she’s doing good.
La Tonia: Not necessarily.
Dr. Gayl: What’s squirt? Is squirt like the ultimate?
Frank: Oh, really?
La Tonia: Well, let me just say and we talked about this last night, so you’re getting a peep into our training.
Dr. Gayl: So is a squirt the ultimate?
La Tonia: No, it’s not the ultimate.
Dr. Gayl: The squirt is like a little bit, right?
La Tonia: Squirter, no, no, no. Some women squirt loads, gallons where they drench.
Frank: Let me help ya’ll out. I had a college girlfriend and along the way we discovered that whole squirting thing and she used to lose her mind. I mean she would be peeing on herself. But she would be like, “Do it again?”
La Tonia: She didn’t know herself, because it’s not pee. No really, that’s the only issue that squirters have is that they drench their mattresses and so real squirters have to be prepared for that, because you can release loads. But you can also release just a little drop and it’s still effective.
But it’s not necessarily the ultimate, because there are women who can do that and they are not connected with themselves. There are women who can be in the function of–and have orgasms. Because I know there’s a woman out there who’s listening saying, “Girl, I don’t have a problem with an orgasm.” And that’s the arrogance to that many women have and it shows up as overcompensation in that area. But they’re not present with themselves. They’re not present with their vision. They’re not present with their womanhood. They’re not resolved and fully integrated. And that’s what a goddess is. A goddess is a fully integrated woman that god is. That’s me, right? So, I don’t have to look outside. So don’t get me going. You get me worked up.
Dr. Gayl: That fully connected, fully connected to your partner, yourself and–
La Tonia: To yourself first. Always self first.
Frank: You’re listening to Frank Relationships. We’re talking–
Dr. Gayl: It’s hot and heavy in here.
Frank: We’re talking with the owner of Rebirth International, La Tonia Taylor. Life and love coach, facilitator and minister about her seven week program that helps women rediscover their womanhood in areas of life to bring back their personal power. Please, tell our listeners how they can find out more about you and your work.
La Tonia: Well, the easiest way. Everyone is using Facebook, so you can go to Facebook.com/RebirthbyLaTonia or to my website rebirthinternational.net. I’m also on Twitter @RevCoachCeo on Twitter. And I would love for you to join me there.
Dr. Gayl: What about Instagram? Are you on Instagram?
La Tonia: I’m not doing the Instagram thing yet. Well I will Instagram us later.
Dr. Gayl: Well, I’ll Instagram us later.
La Tonia: Okay. You’ll get us hooked up. Okay. I have an account somewhere.
Dr. Gayl: Out there.
La Tonia: Yeah.
Frank: I got to get one too. What’s personal power?
La Tonia: That’s also a very good question, because a lot of times we equate our power with what we do instead of who we are. And so, personal power is when you really know who you are and it matches what you do. And also, it’s circular. We also have been taught to compartmentalize our lives, particularly in an area like the DMV–
Frank: DMV? I’m in Utah. What is DMV?
La Tonia: The Washington D.C. Metropolitan area which includes Maryland, Virginia and the District of Columbia.
Dr. Gayl: So what would make you say that we tend to compartmentalize ourselves?
La Tonia: Because we have to show up at work this way, at home another way, somewhere else another way. And you know we have our friends. We don’t bring our freaky friends together with our–
Dr. Gayl: Church friends.
La Tonia: With our conservative friends. And so, we are always navigating those lines. But when you’re in your personal power, you begin to attract authentic relationships and people that you can be all of yourself all of the time with no judgment. And one of the undercurrents for me in personal power when I deal with women is women are not in competition with each other. I don’t care what we see on reality shows. It really gets my goat. Sisterhood is very, very important to me when I’m coaching women, because we have to be able to stand for one another in a way that is counter-culture.
Frank: Does that mean even if you’re having sex with the same man?
Dr. Gayl: Stop.
La Tonia: Well, it depends on–
Frank: You’re not in competition. This is where there is often a lot of competition in the minds of women.
La Tonia: It depends on–
Dr. Gayl: Yeah, but if you’re having sex with the same men–
La Tonia: It depends, because I think underneath all of that is truth. When you tell people the truth.
Frank: Okay. Break that down in terms of competition, truth. Bridge the two.
La Tonia: So you know that I’m a bit unorthodox, so I don’t get moved by all of this talk about cheating and all of this stuff that focus on infidelity and that type of thing. So we’re going to bypass that right. We’re talking about an evolved relationship.
Frank: We don’t have to bypass that. Dr. Gayl is stuck on that forever. So I would love to hear a woman discuss all of that you said.
Dr. Gayl: We already have. Not from you, but we’ve had several women be open to being with multiple partners.
Frank: Yeah, and you got in fist fights with all of them.
Dr. Gayl: In the parking lot.
La Tonia: The truth of the matter is if we really want to be really honest, a lot of us are man sharing anyway and then we say, “But I don’t want to know about it.” And so, what about going for being 100 percent and authentic and in choice? Now that would mean you get to choose if you don’t want to do that and you get to say that and bow out.
But the competition starts when you lock in and you’re trying to one up or see, “Well I’ll get him. I’ll change him. I’ll do whatever. I’m going to keep him more.” And I don’t know. I’m not a specialist in open relationships. I don’t particularly choose to be in an open relationship, because I know that I am not at the level of maturity. I get it intellectually. I respect it.
Dr. Gayl: I like that statement. I love that statement.
La Tonia: I respect those who do it. I have friends who are open.
Dr. Gayl: I don’t know if I respect them that do it, because Frank gave me the side eye.
La Tonia: Let me tell you why I respect it, because the true meaning of openness is when I can be completely vulnerable and in truth with you about anything. But many people have equated openness with swinging, which I consider low vibrational sexual energy. And I don’t participate in low vibe energy.
Dr. Gayl: I like that.
La Tonia: So, many people are swinging and they’re doing their thing, but they’re still unconscious. They’re still trying to feel a need or fill a void. But when you really are open with yourself and with others, you are in it for healing. That’s the intentionality. So, that’s a different segment of the population. Now, as far as relationships, I just don’t believe in the idea–and I have been a woman who has been in a marriage and been lied to and had other relationships that I did not know about.
Frank: Have you lied?
La Tonia: I have. Uh-huh.
Dr. Gayl: So she kept it real.
Frank: That’s my job. I’ve got to make sure everybody keeps it real.
La Tonia: And I think that I’m in a phase in my life definitely where I don’t even want to attract it.
Frank: “It” being what?
Dr. Gayl: The inauthenticity.
La Tonia: That whole inauthenticity. The whole idea of being a victim and “I’m worried about you cheating.” See, we’re going to have an agreement of where I’m playing, how I’m going to play. Now if the rules change along the way, I feel like I want to make it safe enough for someone to tell me the truth. A lot of us don’t make it safe for people to tell each other the truth. And because we are in the habit of lying and pretending–women don’t really want to hear this and men don’t want really want to know this. So, we set each other up for that.
If you look at the traditional marriage vows–and I know you’re a psychologist–this is where it gets really juicy, they are the most disempowering vows ever.
Frank: Don’t tell her that. She’s going to fight with you. Come on, ya’ll have been getting along so far. She’s going to have something to say.
La Tonia: Dr. Gayl, let’s do lunch.
Dr. Gayl: We will. We will. This is perfect.
La Tonia: Because, listen. How about, “‘Til death do us part.”
Frank: Until your ass die or I die.
La Tonia: So I die on the vine in the relationship. And that’s what happens–
Dr. Gayl: That’s kind of what.
La Tonia: Let’s talk about the affirmative power of words. And that’s what happens is many people in relationships die right there because they’re inauthentic. They’re not asking for what they want. They don’t get their desires met. The man becomes effeminate, because he just goes along to get along. That a lot of advice that men give. And we don’t want to take responsibility for even our own death, because we want to be secure. We want to be defined by being a wife. But that’s another show.
Dr. Gayl: You need to come back again.
Frank: Who told her she could invite people to my place?
Dr. Gayl: She said when the woman’s happy then you’re happy. And I’m your radio wife, so if I’m happy, then you’re going to be happy.
Frank: I could go with that.
La Tonia: And you do believe in multiple wives, right?
Dr. Gayl: Yes. Check that box off for him.
La Tonia: You could have two. You could have two radio wives, right?
Frank: It’s funny. Neither one of them are letting me talk. Maybe I do already have two.
La Tonia: Oh, well.
Frank: And yes, I believe in relationships that work for the people that are in them. Period.
La Tonia: I agree. I think it should be totally defined by you.
Dr. Gayl: There you have it.
Frank: Alright, well. You’re listening to Frank Relationships. We’ve been talking with the owner of Rebirth International, La Tonia Taylor. Life and love coach, facilitator and minister about her seven week program that helps women rediscover their womanhood in areas of life that bring back her personal power.
One more time. Please tell our listeners how they can find out more about you and your work.
La Tonia: You can reach me at rebirthinternational.net or at Facebook.com/RebirthbyLaTonia or on Twitter @RevCoachCeo. And I also have a special for any of your listeners who would like individual coaching.
Frank: Why did you wait until the end to tell my people about a special?
Dr. Gayl: Because you know they might not listen to the end.
Frank: People are up getting popcorn now.
La Tonia: If you send me a tweet, an email or contact me on Facebook and you mention Frank Love, there are individual coaching packages that I will offer to your listeners. As well, as I will make an exception for the next 24 hours for those who are listening on Monday or when the show airs that if they are interested into Juicy. But they’ve got to really be ready to jump into the middle and have it turn out. You like that expression, right?
Dr. Gayl: Turn out.
Frank: Let’s wrap this thing up. Are you done with your plug?
La Tonia: I’m done.
Dr. Gayl: That was awesome.
Frank: Along today’s journey we’ve discussed squirting, rediscovering sexuality and the difference between therapy and coaching. I hope you’ve had much fun as I’ve had learning about Rebirth International seven week program that helps women rediscover their womanhood in areas of life to bring back her personal power.
As always, it’s my wish for you to walk away from this conversation with a heaping helping of useful information that’ll help you create a relationship that’s as loving and accepting as possible. Let us know what you thought of today’s show at facebook/relationshipflove, on Twitter @mrfranklove or at franklove.com. On behalf of my producer, Phileta Legette and my assistant producer, Anayza Stewart, keep rising. This is Frank Love.
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